It's that time of year again! Time for shining lights, cheerful spirits and non-stop holiday tunes!
Ah, but are all of those Christmas songs so carefree and delightful? Not at all. In fact, one of the songs we will all hear one hundred times before the season is out is really a vicious, horrifying nightmare at its finest.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'.
Sweet and romantic? The ultimate portrayal of showering your true love with beautiful and wondrous gifts? Oh, no. Let's change that to the ultimate manifestation of hate and cruelty!
Does anyone realize the sheer magnitude of items you'd have all together if someone really despised you enough to give you all the 'gifts' in that song? Let me break it down for you:
- 12 patridges, 12 pear trees
- 22 turtle doves
- 30 French hens
- 36 calling birds
- 40 golden rings
- 42 geese a layin'
- 42 swans a swimmin'
- 40 maids a milkin', 40 cows to go along with them
- 36 ladies dancing
- 30 lords a leapin'
- 22 pipers piping
- 12 drummers drumming
416. FOUR HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN THINGS YOU ARE NOT AT ALL PREPARED OR WILLING TO WORK WITH. Are you serious? This is totally a doom thrown on you by your greatest enemy. Or a creepy-as-crud stalker. Either way, no good. And it just gets worse.
Eggs. Let's start with eggs. Those partridges? Yeah, they're gonna lay about 360 eggs per year. They have an average lifespan of six years. That's 2,160 eggs between them all. What, may I ask, are you really going to do with partridge eggs? Here's a suggestion: Butcher those freaking partridges and cook 'em. You'll get more use out of them that way. Moving on to French hens. They lay one egg per day. They live for eight years-ish. Sucks for you, because that sticks you with... wait for it... 87,600 eggs. Holy. Cow. You can sell those for maybe $1.50 a dozen. That gives you a tidy profit of $10,950... or so you think. Don't get ahead of yourself. We're not even close to finished. We've still got geese. Geese who are specifically laying. Geese who live for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. That sticks you with another 84,000 eggs. Good news is, you can get a buck a pop for those eggs, grossing you $84,000. Nice, huh? Nope. You have no idea what's coming. Let's tackle the swans. They lay five eggs per year. Not terrible. Problem is, they live for half a century, giving you approximately 10,500 eggs. However, doesn't look good on the selling front, unless they're fertilized. Of course, anyone who hates you enough to dump forty-two swans on you won't be nice enough to give you any males.
How about all those cows? Cows produce about eight gallons of milk per day. Get ready for 116,800 gallons in their four years before you send them off to slaughter. Don't get too crazy about selling that milk, either, unless you dish out the moolah to make a dairy. Cost on that, you ask? Over half a million bucks. You've only got $94,950 from your eggs. And that milk is only going to give you a profit of about $30,000 a year. Plus, you have to breed those good ol' cows to keep up their milk production. Also, if you want to have those maids milking the cows to stick around, plan on a salary of $175 a week for each of them. Over the four years of those cows lives, you'll be shelling out $1,456,000 to pay those maids. Ouch. Don't forget cows eat about thirty pounds of hay per day and hay is at a cool sixty dollars a bale. I'm not even going to get into the costs on that one because I'd make you shed tears of pain and terror.
140 people are going to be added to your family via this nightmarish gift giving, too. If it costs even $15,000 to support them each per year and you support them for, say, forty years, $84 million will be how much you pay to support some dudes leaping around, some women who can't stop shimmying and a bunch of musicians who are constantly piping and drumming. Not to mention you'd have to add a significant addition to your home, so there goes even more cash. I've pretty much decided it wouldn't last forty years, though. Anyone would flip after a few months of those pipers and drummers and leapers, so you'd probably end up murdering them and facing 140 charges of first-degree homicide, earning you an expedited trip to execution. Yay!
Oops, I forgot about those calling birds, aka blackbirds. I figure you can just set them free and not be worried by them. This brings us to our final gift: golden rings. Forty golden rings, to be exact. Let's hope each one is about four grams, totaling up to seven ounces of gold between those forty rings. Ka-ching! You're the proud recipient of $12,563.60! Whoo!
Hey, twelve drummers drumming, can I get a drum roll please? You, horrified recipient of this disaster of a Christmas present, will only have to pay $84,008,486.40 to maintain these things! But, hey, you can be happy your evil enemy of a giver spent quite a bit of cash on your pain, yeah? Enjoy.
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